Grace & Space

Grace can be defined as the simple elegance or refinement of movement, courteous goodwill, doing honour or credit to someone or something by one’s presence.

Space can be defined as the dimension of height, depth and width which within all things exist and move. A continuous area of expanse which is free, available or unoccupied.

To be graceful in one’s movement or in one’s words can be something we may not put much thought into. To be mindful of our space and others is also an area that we can take for granted especially during busy, hectic lifestyles. We have all been made aware of space or “social distancing over the past couple of years but I’m not referring to that type of space. What I want to share with you today is the space that you give yourself, not the space we put between each other.

Often our days can feel like being in a ‘blender” where we wake up and jump into action and before we know it the day is over and… repeat. Most of us start off the day while lying in bed, checking our phones answering messages, checking our social media likes or posts without taking the time to give ourselves the personal space we so badly need. The type of space that allows each of us to be okay with being by ourselves, collecting our thoughts, reflecting on the things we are grateful for and making the effort to have the best day we can possibly have. You won’t find that space on any social media feed!

When we make a choice to give ourselves the space needed to reflect and be better, we are intentionally doing service, not only to ourselves, but to all those people around us. When we slow down and put into perspective the importance of life, we will naturally be courteous and bring goodwill to others, as we are doing this with ourselves. To be graceful can be as simple as being aware of your movements. In other words, your own actions and words, are these serving you and others to be better everyday?

Time is the one thing we are all given equally in this world with the only difference being how we choose to spend it. What happens to time each day? It expires, for all of us. When we truly think about the importance of this it should help to inspire and motivate each of us to make the best use of the time we are given.

How graceful are you in being courteous and bringing goodwill to others? How are you filling up your space and are you truly making the best use of your time? If not, it might be time to make some changes before the expiry date sets in.

The Power of Your Own Words

As I write this article, I can’t help thinking that it’s so important for anyone reading this (or my other articles) to please always keep in mind that these are my feelings and experiences. The intent of my articles is to provide a different way of looking at things and hopefully help my readers in some way. They are never intended to push my opinions on others.

A couple of reasons I really love writing, one it helps me express myself from a perspective of being real and honest with my feelings and two, I truly hope it provides awareness to others. I’m always fascinated by the words people use and the effect they have on others around them. Some words that get used regularly can become common place, but they may have an impact on others for the better or for the worse. Hence the choice on the title for this article “The Power of Your Words”!

There’s one word I made a choice along time ago not to use. Once I stopped using it, I was amazed at how many people say this word. You’ve probably heard it said when someone makes a mistake - “That’s so retarded”, or “You retard”, but you may not have thought what that word means to others. To make some sense of this let me provide a bit of background. When my son Nathan was a baby, we noticed he wasn’t responding to sounds or stimulus the way most children did. In the early stages of Nathan being diagnosed one Doctor had asked ‘how do we know Nathan is not retarded?’ and that’s when it hit! We left that Doctor and found one with more compassion, understanding and a thorough diagnosis. Around 18 months of age he was diagnosed with Autism and a Global Developmental delay.

As I write this it’s even hard for me to use the word ‘retarded’, but this story wouldn’t make any sense if I didn’t. Now this isn’t to say that I have never used the word before this experience because I did, truly not understanding what impression or feeling I would be leaving on others around me. I wondered how many times in my life I have said this around others who may have family or friends with disabilities and how that made them feel? Generally, people won’t say anything or the ones who do are often fueled by emotion and we all know how those conversations can turn out.

When we think about the impact or impression we leave on friends, peers, co-workers and family the words we choose to use really say so much about us. Sometimes these words can come from a place of emotion and that may get the best of us at times, or a word like “retarded’ just plainly becomes a habit that gets used in regular conversation. We don’t even realize it. At times it might be fun to say certain words that make you laugh but they may be hurting others around you.

Habits good or bad get formed all the time and this is no different in the words we choose to use. Self-awareness is so important for recognizing the things that work well for each of us and the things that serve us no purpose; possibly hurting others and ultimately hurting our ability to build relationships. There are lots of other words I could mention that I believe have little or no place in a conversation but this word hits home with me. I hope this helps and makes you think about the power of your own words!

The Asshole Pill

Normally I wouldn’t use any course language or obscenities in my writing, but for this story to make sense I must, hence the title “The Asshole Pill”!  Before I get into the heart of telling this story, I want to say thanks to those of you who take the time to read my material.  I have been truly overwhelmed by the text messages, Facebook comments and the amount of face-to-face conversations on how people have been helped by these stories.  For that I’m truly grateful and you inspire me to keep going!

About 10 years ago, as I was progressing nicely through a high-level leadership position, I was introduced to the concept of taking an “Asshole Pill”.  I should mention that this was a great place to work, and provided me and my family some amazing opportunities. For that I’m always grateful. However, there were some true challenges with our direction and how we should work with people.

It was during my annual performance review when I first heard the term “Asshole Pill’.  The review itself was going well, and I felt that I had made some awesome gains over the past year.  As part of the review you openly discuss upcoming opportunities and what I was looking for in terms of my next advancement.  I had my eye on moving into the next position which was one down from the Plant Manager, and this was no secret.  Early on in my career I learned that you should dress for the job you want, not the job you had. I wasn’t shy in doing this and letting my ambitions be known. As we were wrapping up the last part of the feedback, I was told that I was just too nice of a guy and if I wanted to better my career one thing I should do was, “take an Asshole Pill”.  So, I asked, “what exactly does that mean??”. I was told that basically I should be harder on my leaders which in turn would make them harder on their teams.  This type of Leadership is more of an authoritative approach and unfortunately it is one that gets practiced way too much.

So of course, I gave my Mother a call since I pretty much told her everything (as you read in my “Suit Yourself” article) and we discussed the “Asshole Pill” concept. She said “that’s not who you are Mike. The opposite of being nice is being mean and you’re just not that guy.”  So, I listened to my Mother’s words and stuck to my beliefs on how to lead and connect with people.  I didn’t get that promotion, which was okay, because I really loved the position I was in at the time. What made me even more happy is that I stuck to what I believed in and the leaders and teams under my guidance became stronger, fostering great relationships.

A few years later, even though it was one of the scariest decisions I ever made, I left that career to pursue my passion within my own business. I’m proud to say this is my 4th year of Coaching and Developing Leaders at Simply Advanced.

Being true to yourself regardless of positions, status, titles and money is the only way to truly be satisfied in your work or personal life.  It is good to adapt and be flexible to the never-ending changes in our world as this helps us all grow and be better, but never become someone you’re not, no matter what.  It’s not good to sacrifice who you are and, in this case, swallow an “Asshole Pill”. 

Suit Yourself

“Suit yourself” was a saying my mom used when we were growing up. When I was young, I never really understood the meaning of it. I recall mentioning it to my sister and discovering at one point we both thought it had something to do with us getting ourselves dressed! I never really got the meaning of the expression until many years later and it took me awhile to understand exactly what she was trying to do.

Mom didn’t see the value in yelling or threatening us. She was never comfortable with that type of environment and felt it would only make matters worse. She believed in talking things through, always taking the time to listen and be empathetic. Her way was truly a way of teaching and promoting openness by asking good questions, taking the time to listen and provide guidance… even when the choices we made at times were not such great choices.

I know ‘suit yourself’, was Mom’s way of saying, “I wouldn’t do what your about to do, but you need to decide for yourself”. She would try to help us understand the consequences of our choices, but at times we didn’t listen, and she would say “suit yourself”. When things backfired, which was almost every time, Mom was there. Never saying ‘I told you so’, or giving us a stern lecture, but to support us and talk through the situation, always being very open and honest about what we did and what we learned. We didn’t need to be yelled at or grounded. It was punishment enough knowing we let her down. It was enough to make us think harder about our choices next time. However, I still made bad choices… it took me a little longer to catch on, but she always stood beside me!

In my business, I spend time working with all levels of leadership, coaching and influencing each leader to truly show up and be the best possible version of themselves. Always fostering an environment of honesty and transparency even when mistakes are made. Always understanding and practicing empathy as we all have things that affect us in different ways. Being the leader who creates accountability through fostering and learning from failures. The ‘suit yourself’ type of model can easily be applied to leadership. A good leader’s job is much like my mom’s. She allowed me to venture out places I had never been before to help my growth and development, without fear of punishment or reprisal, always coaching and helping me along the way.

When a new person starts, take your time to teach them, promote an environment of learning, where mistakes are opportunities. When your kid comes home with a failed test, you don’t decide to put them up for adoption, you work with them to do better and learn. It’s no different when someone on your team is struggling, you take your time to help and coach them to do better and learn. Focus on what went wrong rather than who went wrong.

Some may have thought Mom was too easy on us and maybe we got way with too much. We like to think Mom stayed true to her belief in allowing us to make our own decisions and was never really concerned with what others thought. Mom passed almost two years ago, and like any loss it requires time, reflection and a whole lot of sharing of memories to help ease the pain. Mom’s passing personally saved my life…but that’s a whole other story!

Thanks Mom, for believing in me and always being there!

Empathy

The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

When we talk about empathy, we often refer to the term ‘walking in the other person’s shoes, but it’s much more than that. Empathy and Leadership go hand and hand, the better the Leader understands and embraces empathy the stronger the connection he or she has with their team. Empathy comes in 3 different forms of attention and each one of these holds a very important part within Leadership.

Cognitive Empathy enables the leader to explain themselves in meaningful and sincere ways, a skill essential to getting the best performance from their team. Applying cognitive empathy requires leaders to think about feelings rather than to feel them directly. Being inquisitive and curious about people fuels cognitive empathy.

Emotional Empathy is effective for mentoring, coaching and understanding team dynamics. Accessing your capacity for emotional empathy depends on combining two kinds of attention: a deliberate focus on your own opinion of someone else’s feelings and an open awareness of that person’s face, voice and other external signs of emotion (AKA body language).

Empathetic Concern, which is closely related to emotional empathy, enables you to sense not just how people feel but what they need from you, it’s what you want in a leader. We intuitively experience the distress of another as our own. However, in deciding whether we will meet that persons needs, we deliberately weigh how much we value his or her well being. Those whose feelings become too strong may themselves suffer. In the helping profession, this can lead to compassion fatigue, it can create distracting feelings of anxiety about people and circumstances that are beyond anyone’s control. But those who deaden their feelings may lose touch with empathy. Empathetic concern requires us to manage our personal distress without numbing ourselves to the pain of others.

We all have some level of each type of empathy. Contact me to learn more about empathy and how Simply Advanced can provide your leaders with tools and methods to help them foster each type to strengthen relationships, personally and professionally.